How to handle abusive behavior from adult children?

Understanding the Nature of Abusive Behavior

Abusive behavior involves repeated acts or patterns designed to exert power or control over another person. These actions might include verbal attacks, emotional manipulation, financial exploitation, or even physical aggression. When such behavior comes from one’s own adult child, it can be profoundly distressing. Scripture does not shy away from addressing damaging family dynamics (see the tensions in Genesis 37 or 1 Samuel 19), but it also provides guidance for hope and healing.

Biblical Emphasis on Honor and Love

Scripture calls children to honor their parents (Exodus 20:12: “Honor your father and mother…”). While this is directed primarily to children under their parents’ care, principles of respect and familial love can be applied even when they reach adulthood. At the same time, parents are exhorted not to provoke or embitter their children (Ephesians 6:4). Yet, when an adult child is abusive, the parent must carefully discern how to respond in a way that honors God’s commands, protects personal well-being, and keeps open a path for eventual reconciliation if possible.

Recognizing Abuse

Abuse may take several forms:

• Verbal or Emotional Abuse: Frequent insults, name-calling, manipulative blame-shifting, or relentless criticism.

• Psychological Control: Threatening to withdraw support or affection, isolating the parent, playing on fears.

• Financial Exploitation: Taking money without permission, coercing parents into covering debts or misusing resources.

• Physical or Sexual Abuse: Any form of bodily harm or unwanted contact.

God’s Word calls us to acknowledge the reality of sin and wrongdoing, even within the closest relationships. Proverbs 4:14 cautions, “Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evildoers.” Recognizing harmful behavior is the first step toward seeking a righteous solution.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

1. Biblical Foundations for Boundaries

Setting boundaries is a scriptural concept for maintaining healthy relationships. In Proverbs 22:24–25, we are advised: “Do not make friends with an angry man, and do not associate with a hot-tempered man, or you may learn his ways.” Although parents naturally desire closeness with their children, preserving safety and emotional health may demand careful limits.

2. Practical Steps

• Identify Non-Negotiable Behaviors: Clearly communicate which behaviors (verbal attacks, threats) will not be tolerated.

• Establish Consequences: If the adult child continues to act abusively, there may be a need to limit phone conversations, visits, or financial support.

• Seek Support: Lean on trusted friends, a pastor, or a Christian counselor for prayer and counsel. Proverbs 15:22 encourages: “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”

Embracing Forgiveness and Reconciliation

1. The Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness releases personal bitterness and prevents resentment from taking root. Ephesians 4:31–32 teaches: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger…Be kind and tenderhearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.” Forgiveness is not excusing the abusive behavior but offering it to God and choosing not to harbor unresolved anger.

2. Reconciliation is a Process

Reconciliation ideally involves both sides acknowledging wrongdoing, repentant hearts, and commitment to change. In Luke 17:3, Jesus says, “If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.” However, repentance must be genuine. If an adult child remains unrepentant, controlling, or destructive, reconciliation may not be immediately possible.

3. When Reconciliation May Be Delayed

Some situations require a period (or permanent state) of limited contact for safety. Scripture does not obligate remaining in harm’s way. Romans 12:18 reminds us: “If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone.” This indicates that peace is a two-way street; sometimes it is not possible because of the other person’s unwillingness to change.

Seeking Wise Counsel and Assistance

1. Professional and Pastoral Help

Chronic or severe abuse often warrants professional support. Seeking wise, biblical counsel (Proverbs 1:5: “Let the wise listen and gain instruction”) from pastors, counselors, or support groups can bring clarity.

2. Legal Safeguards

If the behavior escalates to physical harm or ongoing harassment, parents may need to consider legal protection. In Romans 13:4–5, the governing authorities are described as an instrument for restraining evil. In extreme circumstances, involving legal means can be a valid way of preventing harm.

Spiritual Tools for Distress and Healing

1. Prayer

Prayer is vital in times of turmoil. Philippians 4:6–7 encourages believers to bring every concern to God: “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition…present your requests to God. And the peace of God…will guard your hearts.”

2. Scripture Reading and Meditation

Taking time to reflect on passages that speak about God’s comfort (Psalm 34:18), His deliverance (2 Chronicles 20:17), and His wisdom can guide parents facing confusion and fear.

3. Community Support

Connecting to a fellowship of believers offers prayer support, perspective, and kindness. Galatians 6:2 exhorts: “Carry one another’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

Encouragement from Examples in Scripture

• David’s Experiences: David faced rejection and threat—even from those close to him (1 Samuel 19:9–10). He took refuge in the Lord, writing many psalms that illustrate reliance on God in adversity (Psalm 18, for example).

• Jacob and His Sons: Despite family discord and wrongdoing among his sons (Genesis 34, 37), Jacob found ultimate restoration because of the faithfulness of God’s covenant promises.

These narratives attest that broken family relationships are not beyond God’s redemptive power, although the path may be difficult.

Conclusion

Handling abusive behavior from adult children requires a biblically grounded approach that balances love and mercy with wisdom and self-protection. Recognizing the reality of abuse, setting appropriate boundaries, pursuing forgiveness, and seeking reconciliation—while simultaneously accepting that it may not always be possible—reflect a scriptural path. Throughout this process, lean on prayer, community support, and professional counsel as needed.

God remains faithful, offering guidance and comfort. As Psalm 55:22 declares, “Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken.” Even when facing painful parental trials, believers can trust that the Almighty can bring healing, guidance, and eternal hope in every season.